A Highland Broadsheet · Anno Domini MDLV

Six Feet o' Singin' Steel

A young lassie's heated argument for the absolute, indisputable, gloriously dirty superiority of the Zweihänder, delivered en route home, to her long-suffering friend.

— Narration Edition · With Pronunciation Aids —

How to spit it proper

Plain text — say it natural-like, soft and quick.
Red bold — punch it. Lean on the syllable. Let it land.
RED CAPS — SPIT it. Loud, sharp, scunner-hot. The fire-words.
Below each line, the typewriter notes tell ye how to say the Scottish bits: word=PRO-NUN-see-AY-shun. The "KH" sound is the gargly back-of-the-throat noise from "loch" — never a hard K. Roll your R's if ye dare.
Breathe between stanzas. She doesn't, but ye should.

Och, gie me ma Zweihänder, six feet o' singin' steel, Och=OKH (gargle-clear yer throat, no K) · gie=GHEE (hard G, "give") · ma=MAH · Zweihänder=TSVAI-hen-der · o'=uh

The bonniest blade tae ever make a battlefield kneel! bonniest=BON-ee-ist · tae=TAY

A sword sae lang, sae lovely, ye could prop the moon upon her — sae=SAY · lang=LANG ("long") · ye=YEE

And any wee lord wha doubts it can sook on the pommel for honor. wee=WEE · wha=WHA ("who") · sook=SOOK (rhymes wi' "book"; means "suck")

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

II.

Pikes? Pikes are for ploughboys! And rapiers — feh! — ploughboys=PLOW-boyz · feh=FEH (spit it like a hairball)

A rapier's a knittin' needle held by a daisy named Beth. knittin'=KNIT-in (drop the G)

A claymore's awright, I'll grant ye, but a claymore is a wean — claymore=CLAY-mor · awright=aw-RYTE · wean=WAYN (rhymes wi' "lane"; means "wee child")

Ma Zweihänder's its braw big brother, and twice as mean. braw=BRAW (rhymes wi' "raw"; means "grand, fine")

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

III.

Now tell me, ye drippin' candle, ye damp wee sock, drippin'=DRIP-in

Ye custard-spined cuddle-cake wi' the spine of a clock — wi'=WI (like "we"; means "with")

How's a pork-chop tae reach me wi' his dainty wee dirk dirk=DIRK (a wee Scottish dagger)

When his heid's already split six feet afore he can lurch? heid=HEED ("head") · afore=uh-FOR ("before")

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

IV.

I'll snicker-snack a path through a castle o' blueberry muffins, snicker-snack=SNICK-er SNACK (quick! one breath! two clean cuts!)

Lop the loaves clean off the toffs in their lacy wee stuffins! toffs=TOFFS (posh dandified idiots) · stuffins=STUFF-inz (frilly clothes)

Ram a pike up a macaroni hat, send the feathers a-flyin' — macaroni=mack-uh-RO-nee (a fop in a tall feathered hat) · a-flyin'=uh-FLY-in

A peacock without a heid disnae do much cryin'. disnae=DIZ-nay ("doesn't") · cryin'=CRY-in

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

Tell me again, ye boiled bishop, ye pudding-faced pope, (no Scots here — just spit it sharp)

Ye lily-livered, lard-fisted, weasel-in-a-wig dope — (let "weasel-in-a-wig" run together quick, then PUNCH "dope")

That a halberd is better? A halberd's a hoe wi' delusions! halberd=HAL-berd (axe-on-a-stick)

Ma sword IS the halberd, ye haggis o' wrong conclusions! haggis=HAG-iss (sheep's-pluck pudding; here an insult, of course)

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

VI.

Ye duller than a spoon! Ye dimmer than a candle in soup! (rapid-fire — barely a breath between insults)

Ye haggis on its way out the way it came in — and out the way it didnae! didnae=DID-nay ("didn't" — meaning, baith ends, ye droop)

Ye soggy oatcake! Ye chamberpot Charlie! Ye turnip-skulled toff! oatcake=OAT-kayk · three insults, three different rhythms — keep it galloping

Yer wife wears the breeks and yer horse laughs ye off! yer=YIR · breeks=BREEKS ("trousers")

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

VII.

Six feet o' German thunder, forged by some big-armed lass (slow this stanza — it's a wee love story)

(Aye, I bet she was a lass — nae man could pour that much sass) — aye=EYE ("yes") · nae=NAY ("no/not")

She danced in the foundry, she sang tae the steel, (dreamy, almost a whisper here)

An' she whispered tae her sword: "Go find a Scottish lass real." an'=an (short, almost a tongue-click)

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

VIII.

And here I am, ma darlin'! Come hame tae yer wife! darlin'=DAR-lin · hame=HAYM ("home")

We'll waltz through the pikemen and put the fear in their life! (swell here — she's getting carried away)

We'll twirl through the doppelsöldners, we'll dance through the queues, doppelsöldners=DOP-pell-SURL-derz (German "double-pay" sword-soldiers — Zweihänder lads)

We'll leave a wee trail o' duke-mince and a duchess's shoes! duke-mince=DOOK-mintz (chopped-up nobleman, served fresh)

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

IX.

Ma brothers? Ma brothers go pale when I sharpen ma love. (grin in yer voice here — she loves it)

Wee Hamish hides in the haystack, wee Angus runs tae the cove — Hamish=HAY-mish · Angus=ANG-gus

"Da! Da! She's at it again wi' the whetstone an' grin!" Da=DAH ("Dad" — shriek it, panicked, wee laddie voice) · whetstone=WET-stone

And Da just sighs, "Aye, lads. Let yer sister begin." (deep weary Da-voice, then satisfied smirk)

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

Ye whey-faced wassailer! Ye thimble-dicked thane! whey=WAY (pale as milk-water) · wassailer=WASS-uh-ler (festive drunkard) · thane=THAYN (Scottish lord, rhymes wi' "lane")

Ye bonnet wi' nothin' in it, ye half a haggis o' brain! bonnet=BON-it (soft hat) · nothin'=NUTH-in

Ye starched fart in a doublet! Ye buttered toad in mail! doublet=DUB-let (fitted jacket)

Ye codpiece wi' a cough! Ye dribble at the end o' the ale! codpiece=COD-peese (the wee armored pouch over a fellow's nethers)

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

XI.

For I'll snicker-snack through princes, I'll snicker-snack through kings, (build! BUILD! she's pure gleeful now)

I'll lop the lairds in two and I'll giggle as they ping — lairds=LAIRDZ ("lords")

Ping goes the helmet, ping-ping goes the greave, greave=GREEV (leg armor)

Ping-ping-PLOP goes the heid, and the body takes its leave. (the PLOP is the punchline — let it land wet)

⚔ · ⚔ · ⚔

XII.

So gie me ma Zweihänder! Gie me ma weddin' day blade! weddin'=WED-in

Let the fools line up in their frills and their fancy parade — (savour the F's — frills, fancy — sneer through 'em)

I'll be the lass at the end o' the lane wi' a smile and a swing, (quiet now — almost a sweet wee promise)

And six feet o' singin' steel makin' the whole world ring. singin'=SING-in · makin'=MAY-kin (then SILENCE. ye're done. let it ring.)

Insults Tae Steal

For yer friends, yer foes, and that one cousin. Copy freely, deliver with venom.

Duller than a spoon.
Dimmer than a candle in soup.
A haggis on its way out the way it came in — and out the way it didnae.
Soggy oatcake.
Chamberpot Charlie.
Turnip-skulled toff.
Drippin' candle.
Damp wee sock.
Custard-spined cuddle-cake.
A spine of a clock.
Boiled bishop.
Pudding-faced pope.
Lily-livered, lard-fisted, weasel-in-a-wig.
Haggis o' wrong conclusions.
Whey-faced wassailer.
Thimble-dicked thane.
Bonnet wi' nothin' in it.
Half a haggis o' brain.
Starched fart in a doublet.
Buttered toad in mail.
Codpiece wi' a cough.
Dribble at the end o' the ale.
A rapier of a daisy named Beth.
A halberd is a hoe wi' delusions.
A peacock without a heid.
Yer wife wears the breeks and yer horse laughs ye off.